Is there a God???

Had been reading an article about the existence of God and the way he manifests himself. It was invoking in sorts but then over jealous writer included some examples like tsunamis and earthquakes that made me laugh more than revere. Well the read was interesting, but it brought to my mind a simple question. Is there a God? Now, I know that by no means is this question simple. Nope, not at all but if you asked me, you would get a blatant "NO". We are controlled by ourselves. We buy only the things we can afford. We can eek out a living only through our hard work (except maybe priests who manage otherwise). We are masters of our own lives and control where we head towards ( now I'm not talking about external influences like parents, friends, etc. cuz at the end of the day its only us who chooses, accepts and rejects). We are thoughtful creatures who inevitably end up writing the course of our lives by means of our thoughts, actions, choices and decisions. We grow up, notice things around us, learn, imbibe, imitate, initiate and idolize. We grow mature, understand the facts of life, facts about people, facts about survival and excelling (If applicable). We realize our mistakes, accept our faults, correct them ( again, its only if applicable). Now, where is God in this? Yes, you will say,"What about strokes of luck, like winning a lottery...". Its simple statistics. If you dont win, then somebody else does. Every action, very reaction, every occurence in this world has an explanation; scientific or otherwise. Even the so called supernatural or extra terrestrial have perfectly explanable reasons. Its just that most people don't try to look beyond the obvious.

But then, there is one small glinch. Everytime we begin to think that we are the masters of our lives, something happens that makes us realize our miniscule place in this whole scheme of things. Something that makes us realize how tiny we are compared to the whole Universal system. Heck! Our own existence and evolution is but one tiny speck in the timeline of the evolution of the Universe. Its like just one small , all of mankind is wiped away for all eternity (or, to be positive, until life evolves again, until blue-green algae are developed again).
I was beginning to think that I am the master of this life that I have. That I am the only person who controls it, that each human controls his own life and is its master but the death of my very loved ones have made me realize that there are certain instances in life, certain elements in life that probably no human can control.

I had a perfectly setting for a life; me, my grandfather, my father. We were one small unit among oursleves. We had our share of fights, laughters and all that filmy stuff that i don't want to ponder upon and bore you off. Then one fine day, as I was returning from school ( I clearly remember that our schoolbus did not arrive that day to pick us up and I was late). I was having fun with my friends on the way back home, singing, prancing around, etc ( again I dont want to elaborate cuz I know you got the picture). When I finally got home, I was slightly surprised to see many people outside my tiny house. I entered and everyone was giving that sympathetic smile....n thats was really pathetic,..I hate that. I went inside and to my right, I saw the body of my grandfather. he had breathed his last only about 15 minutes before I reached home (only if the damned schoolbus had come!). I saw him still, motionless. I turned away without a single emotion on my face and got into the room that my grandfather shared with me. Needless to say, I was shocked out of my wits. I did not cry...no I didn't. And to this day, I don't know why even a single tear did not trickle through my eyes when the whole house was echoing of woes and weeping.

Barely 20 days after my grandfather died, I lost my father under mysterious circumstances. Once again the whole house was overshadowed by people from near and far, with sounds of crying and pain and loss.

This was too much for me. It finally dawned upon me that I am just a spectator in the drama called LIFE. Death was the only link that connected me to God because I would talk to him (having lost my confidante in my grandfather and father). I still do talk to God. When I am sad, when I am happy, I pretend that God is sitting next to me. I imagine that he is laughing at my jokes.

I feel lonely sometimes, very lonely. When it happens, I call upon my best friend, the friend who will never leave my side and is not bound by the limitations of mortality.
Now, this is something that people will say is subjective. Some people say that Gaurav has lost his wits since that incident.

I know and understand and sympathesize with those people. They cannot understand the boundless pleasures and joys that my mind holds. They don't understand how safe I feel, how elated I feel, how loved I feel.

The incident I refer to when I say that I believed that there is no God was before all this happened.

I am not tryin to tell you to turn ascetic or anything of that sort. Because, the God that I am talking about is me. Yes! Its me, its within me. Its my alter ego that tells me what to do. That praises me when I do right rebukes me when I do wrong. That guides me when I am lost and tells me what to do. Some people call it Conscience, but nevertheless, I have found my God! Now the question is, "Have you?".